


Laid bare by the circumstances (and trusting you to see it all)

by sugarandspace



Series: Post 3x10 fics (written before 3x11) [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Assault, Childhood Trauma, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Scars, Violence, Warlock Marks (Shadowhunter Chronicles)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 03:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17911151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sugarandspace/pseuds/sugarandspace
Summary: When the last of Magnus' glamours fall a week after he gave up his magic, old scars are revealed. That leads to Magnus telling Alec a story from his childhood.





	Laid bare by the circumstances (and trusting you to see it all)

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic after 3x10 aired, but I hit a serious block. I liked the idea and wanted to make it work though, and I'm happy I managed to do that before 3x11. (Although I do admit I'm not 100% happy with the ending)

Alec woke up slowly, relishing in the thought that it was his day off and he didn’t need to wake up to his alarm. This was much better, to wake up to the sunlight pouring from between the curtains, comfortable and content, hearing Magnus breathe softly next to him. 

Alec turned to his side so he could face Magnus who was still in deep sleep. What he saw lifted the relaxed atmosphere of the morning immediately.

He didn’t realise it at first, but as Alec studied Magnus’ face, his slightly parted lips and his dark lashes, he noticed the faint lines around his eyes. The way the light was hitting Magnus’ face highlighted the silver scars that surrounded his closed eyes, a thicker line running down his cheek all the way to his chin.   

The lines were faded, but obviously there. Alec’s heart ached for his boyfriend, feeling heavy as his mind filled with possibilities of what had happened. A new wave of pain hit him as he thought of how Magnus would react to them being visible.

The last week had been a hard one for Magnus. He didn’t say it, but Alec could see. Learning to live without his magic was something Magnus probably never considered he might have to do, and now he had no choice but to figure out his new identity. Because as much as they all would have liked to deny it, his magic had been a big part of who Magnus was. It was almost like he was hollow. The emptiness the loss of magic left behind showed in his voice, his expressions, and the way his movements had less air to them. 

All the changes hadn’t been immediate. They knew that the wards around the loft were still intact because they had asked Cat to check them, Magnus being unable to sense them now. There were lasting spells on some of the items in the loft, like for example the bathroom mirror, that never fogged up. Now it looked like the lasting glamours Magnus had spelled on his body had come to their end.

Magnus’ eyes opened slowly, his whole body stretching as he woke up. He looked at Alec with a small smile, and Alec found the strength to return it. He wanted to give Magnus all moments of happiness he could.

“Good morning,” Magnus said, his voice still rough from sleeping. 

“Morning,” Alec replied, reaching his hand forward to comb it through Magnus’ hair as he leaned closer to leave a soft kiss to his forehead. 

They fell to a comfortable silence after that, basking in the lazy morning. It was rare they got mornings like this, and when they did, they often stayed in bed up until lunch time. Alec was still running his hand through Magnus’ hair, slowly combing it from his face. Magnus was resting his hand on Alec’s bicep, almost like he was keeping Alec there, not wanting him to stop his ministrations. 

Alec didn’t want to break the calm by telling Magnus that his glamour had fallen, but he also knew that he had to. He couldn’t shield Magnus from it forever. And he’d much rather be the one telling him than have Magnus find out when he walks past a mirror.

“There’s something you should know,” Alec started softly, tracing his fingers down from Magnus’ hair, brushing them against his temple. “Something you won’t like.”

Magnus grew wary, and Alec could almost see the defensive shields flying up.

Alec stalled, trying to find words to prepare Magnus for his next words as best as he could, even though he knew that it was an impossible task.

Magnus eyed him suspiciously before he asked, his voice barely audible. “What is it?”

“I think-” Alec started, not knowing how to say it. “I think your glamours fell.”

It took a moment for Magnus to realise what he meant, probably because he hadn’t needed to glamour his golden eyes after he blasted Jace with all that magic, because with his powers he had lost his mark too. But Alec could see the exact moment Magnus understood what he meant, because he scooted back like he was being burnt, causing Alec’s hand to fall from his face.

He was up from the bed faster than Alec could react, which was saying something considering his angelic reflexes. As Magnus slipped from under the covers, wearing only his underwear, Alec could clearly see that the scars on Magnus’ face weren’t the only ones he’d spelled to hiding with a long lasting glamour. There were several scars on his body, some smaller and some concerning in size. Some left behind by wounds that would have been deadly, had they not been treated with magic.

Magnus walked to the vanity in the corner of the bedroom, looking into the mirror and lifting his hands to his face, as if trying to confirm with touch that the scars were indeed there.

“No.”

The word was said with such despair that it startled Alec to movement, getting him out of bed to follow Magnus to where he was still looking at the mirror, his expression close to bursting to tears. 

“Magnus,” Alec started, but realised that he didn’t know what to say. Magnus was still staring at the mirror, his eyes focused on the scars, moving from the ones on his face to the ones on his chest.

“All my scars are now visible.”

“I know.”

Alec wanted to do something, anything to make Magnus feel better. He felt helpless in the face of this new thing Magnus had to go through. Hadn’t he already suffered enough? Alec reached towards Magnus, carefully putting his hand on his shoulder, half expecting Magnus to shrug it away. He felt a small sense of relief when Magnus covered the hand with his own.

“It’s okay,” Alec said, trying to provide comfort. He had never been good with words, but he imagined that in this situation, no one would be. There simply weren’t right words to say. He wanted to take away all the pain Magnus held inside, but was yet to figure out the way.

“It’s like my father took my magic, and all my secrets as well,” Magnus whispered, his eyes never moving away from the mirror. “How can I leave the loft like this? How can I ever meet anyone? I didn’t want you to see me like this. Even I hate seeing myself like this.”

“Hey,” Alec said, turning his boyfriend around and moving his hand to Magnus’ cheek, covering the thick scar that reached from the corner of his eye to his chin. “Look at me.”

Magnus looked hesitant but he complied, his eyes focusing on Alec, the fear in them clear. Alec answered with an honest smile as he spoke.

“I love you,” he started, giving the words a moment to sink in. “Scars and all. I would be hypocrite not to, the amount of scars I have rivals the amount of runes I have. You’ve said it yourself, those are battle scars, a proof of everything you’ve survived. And I’m sorry that you’ve had to survive so much, both in your past and currently. But that’s what you’ll do, Magnus. You’ll survive. I admit that the things look bad right now, but I will be here and we will find a way to make everything better again.”

“But what if we don’t?” Magnus asked, voice merely a whisper and a hopeless look in his eyes.

“I’ll still be here, for whatever you need. If you want to talk about something, no matter what and when, I’m ready to listen. Or if you need to think things through on your own, I’ll give you space. But I will never leave you alone in this.”

Alec could see Magnus tearing up at his words, and as he finished talking Magnus brought his arms around Alec’s shoulders, hiding his face in the crook of Alec’s neck.

“Thank you,” Magnus said, and Alec hear the words as well as he felt them against his skin.

“You don’t need to thank me,” Alec said, the guilt rising its ugly head.  _ I’m the reason you’re in this mess. _

“I know,” Magnus replied. “But I want to.”

They stayed like that for a while, until Alec felt that Magnus had calmed down. He pulled away and pecked Magnus’ lips softly.

Alec tried his best not to let his eyes wander to Magnus’ bare torso and the silver scars marking it. Apparently he failed, since he saw Magnus shuffle awkwardly in place, and when Alec looked up he saw a worried look on his boyfriend’s face.

“You’re still so beautiful,” Alec said before reaching to the side to grab one of Magnus’ robes, handing it to him so he could cover himself.

Magnus accepted the compliment with a small smile and reached for the robe. As he slipped it on, his whole posture seemed more relaxed. 

“C’mon, let’s go eat something,” Alec said and grabbed a t-shirt for himself, slipping it on.

Alec could hear Magnus following him to the kitchen, and he smiled to himself. The first days back at the loft had been rough. After the events at the alley, Alec had to stay at the Institute infirmary for a whole day before he was cleared healed enough to leave. And after they came back here, it was like the reality of his choice had caught up with Magnus. Up until then he had been so focused on Alec, on his injuries and of how he was feeling. It was like when they returned to the loft, to the place that was Magnus’ space, he could clearly see all the differences between when he had magic and now when he hadn’t. For starters Alec had needed to pick the lock, because why would Magnus carry keys when he could open the door with a flick of his hand.

Magnus had slept a lot in the following days, reluctant to leave the bedroom. He had seemed closed off, and bit by bit he had started to let Alec closer again. 

Alec was happy to see that Magnus wasn’t isolating himself now.  

“What do you want to eat? I could make us french toast?” Alec suggested, already moving towards the fridge.

“Sounds good,” Magnus said, leaning to the counter while Alec started to prepare food for them.

It was almost like a normal morning, Alec cooking the breakfast while Magnus made them coffee. Alec could still feel some of the tension from earlier though, but he was waiting for Magnus to bring it up. He meant what he said, he could give Magnus space to work things out on his own first, if that was what he preferred. 

Only if it continued for too long would he bring it up. 

It didn’t take long for their breakfast to be ready and served. They ate in silence, and it seemed like Magnus was deep in thought. Alec wasn’t sure if the thoughts were good or not. 

He was just about to say something before Magnus broke the silence.

“Back when I was a child, when I lived in the streets and had nowhere to go,” Magnus started, his voice quiet and eyes cast to his plate. “There was a group among Shadowhunters who liked to hunt Downworlders for fun.”

Alec put his own fork down and listened carefully, not wanting to interrupt Magnus. He felt shame for the things his kind had done, was reminded that there had always been Shadowhunters like Valentine, with strong beliefs against Downworlders. It made sense that Magnus had been reluctant to get mixed into Shadowhunter business when they first got to know each other. 

“One night I was sleeping on this alley, hidden from the people on the street, when I woke up to a feeling of someone grabbing my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw this man hunched over me, looking at me with a wicked grin, the light from the street catching the blade of a knife he was holding.” Magnus stopped to shudder and close his eyes at the memory. “I tried to scream and kick him, but he moved his hand over my mouth and his friend held my feet. I still remember what he said.  _ ‘Disgusting eyes, why would someone pay so much for these?’ _ ” 

Magnus’ eyes were still cast down but Alec reached to hold his hand over the table, a silent comfort while Magnus gathered his thoughts.

“Because that’s what they did, they collected trophies. Fangs, warlock marks, werewolf teeth… Anything they could put on display as a sign of the prey they had found. There was a whole black market for things like that.”

Alec squeezed Magnus’ hand a little tighter at that, moving his thumb over Magnus’ knuckles. He stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt. It was obvious that Magnus had been gathering courage to tell him this ever since their talk in the bedroom.

“I’m not sure how they knew what I was, maybe they had seen me earlier doing magic or maybe they tracked me somehow. Either way, it wasn’t hard to figure out my mark. I was terrified and the man was looking straight into my cat eyes. He brought the knife to my face, trying to carve my eyes out. I started thrashing, doing all I could to escape him. He was straddling my torso, making it impossible for me to use my hands and my magic to help myself.” 

Alec found it difficult to hold back tears as he thought about Magnus, thought about  _ a child _ being treated like that. The fact that it had been a Shadowhunter brought a sick feeling to his stomach.

“He got angry, cut my cheek saying  _ ‘stay still, you’re useless if I cut your eye’ _ .” Magnus was tracing the thick scar on his cheek with his fingertips, his eyes shining with unshed tears, a faraway look in them. “He grabbed my hair, made me stay still as he tried to cut my eyes out. I was panicking, I didn’t even realise that someone had appeared next to the scene we were making. Suddenly the men were thrown away from me, and I scrambled up, backing against the wall. A man stood next to me, a man with eyes like mine. My father didn’t look at me, his anger focused on the men who had attacked me. He saved me Alexander, without him I would have died that night.”

Alec didn’t expect to feel grateful for the prince of Hell, but for that deed he was. The reminder of their current situation was quick to suffocate that gratefulness though.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” Alec said, his voice hoarse with emotion. As horrible as it was to listen, Alec knew that it must have been a nightmare to experience. Magnus had been a child when that had happened, and it spoke of how much it had affected him that he still remembered it so vividly, exact words and all, even after all these centuries. 

Magnus squeezed his eyes shut, causing few of his tears to fall. “I owe my life to my father, and for the longest time that was what stopped me from leaving him.”

Alec’s own relationship with his father was a rocky one, but he couldn’t even imagine how Magnus must feel about his. To owe his life to a person who’d treated him wrong, and who’d now taken his powers - it must have been an impossible thing to deal with.

“You are so strong,” Alec said honestly. Never had he met anyone who’d been through as much as Magnus had, and who was still here. Who was still kind and positive. There were moments when it was easy for Alec to see the wear the years had caused on Magnus, the toll all his experiences had taken on him, but the more horrible things he learnt about Magnus’ history, the more in awe of the man he was. 

Magnus didn’t say anything, but he opened his eyes and looked at Alec with an expression that made Alec feel like maybe his words had hit their mark, maybe there was a part of Magnus that believed those words.

“And I’m glad you trusted me with this,” Alec continued, taking Magnus’ hand to both of his. “I’m sure it wasn’t easy. Thank you, for telling me.”

“There are several scars on my body,” Magnus said, his eyes falling to their joined hands on the table. “But the ones around my eyes are the most important ones. I wanted you to know where they came from, because I trust you and wanted to share it with you, but also because you’re a Head of the Institute now. You’re training so many new Shadowhunters, and I think it’s good for you to know how things used to be. To get some kind of perspective, and to understand why some of the Downworlders don’t trust or like your kind.”

Magnus lifted his eyes back up to Alec’s, and Alec nodded, understanding what Magnus meant. He was in a position that granted him a power to try to make their world a better place, and even though the change was slow, and at times the arguments with the Clave felt like he was hitting his head to a wall, they had the opportunity to work towards a better future.

“We’ll find a way,” Alec said, referring to a bunch of things but feeling confident about each one. They would find a way to change their world and they would find a way to hide Magnus’ scars, if that was what Magnus wanted. They would find a way to sort out the mess they were in, with Magnus’ magic gone and Clary missing. Those were obstacles, some higher than the others, but they would make their way through each and every one of them. Because Magnus was strong, and that amount of strength inspired Alec to be strong too. 

He couldn’t possibly understand all that Magnus was going through, and he couldn’t just take away all the pain. But he could be here, and offer his help to the man who was so used to helping others, Alec included. He could make sure that Magnus knew that he wasn’t alone. 

They were going to find a way. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god after all this waiting we're going to get a new episode tomorrow? If you don't hear from me after this it's because I wasn't able to handle that. If I do survive, however, expect a lot of reaction drabbles to come your way :D


End file.
